What’s that feeling, the kind of ecouragement and pride that’s genuine. The smile and look with a message clearer than a sound. The look that say’s ‘Play hard’ instead of ‘good luck.’ Why? Because she want’s you to do your best, not just for her, but she loves the sound of your voice, and the energy you have when you’ve done well for yourself. She wants to see you shine. She wants you happy, proud, and shining. She’s the girl seeing you off with a coffee in hand to wish you good morning. She’s the hand running through your hair when you’ve had a long day. She’s also a well places kiss in a spot you never knew you needed one. She’s the voice of reason you need when you’re stressed, not because sh’s saying whatyou want to hear, but rather telling you what you need to hear. She tells you to wait as you exit a room because she can’t stand the thought of you leaving with a crease in that your shirt. She may even be the reason you’re beginning to understand how a ring can cost three month’s salary. After all, she’s showing you why it’s a purchase you’ll only ever need to make once. She’s the first you want to tell your good news to, and the last you want to bring down with the bad. Even though she’s told you she prefers to hear them both.
You’d prefer to spend time doing nothing with her, over doing anything with anyone else.
Maybe that’s a result of the fact that your conversations take place between the words that you’re saying. You already know what they’re thinking or feeling, so the words give you context for things that are already understood.
You remember what it’s like when your face grazed the soft spots of her skin. The subtle sounds she makes when she’s excited, and the change in tempo for her breathing.
What’s more is that you’ve lost touch with the ambition of most areas of your life. Like the fuel for all things pleasant is held at the border waiting for the tariffs to be paid, and the checks to clear and pass.
You know, in some way or another, that this isn’t ‘the life worth leading.’ The times passing, and holidays are moving by but time hasn’t seemed real since you had to turn away and show yourself out. Since you had to pretend like things were okay, and that the world wasn’t crashing down around you.
Do you think she knows how in love with her you are? How every story over fake conversations revolves around the real moments you share?
Who knows, what’s more is that it doesn’t matter. You feel it, and nothing has ever changed your life so much.
So you’ll wait, things might wane and fall apart. But you’ll wait.
Why?
Because all the hurt will be worth just one more word from her. Just one more sound. So you’ll try not to forget to ‘Play Hard’ when you think about how she’s doing. You’ll try not to forget to iron out your creases because she’s not around to tell you herself. But you know, you know she wants to be.
It’s a strange feeling, being numb. Nothings bad, but nothings great either. You just exist, from one moment to the next.
I can’t seem to keep track of what day it is, but to be honest, that seems to be for the best.
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