I have a mirad of bills that need to be paid. I have responsibilities to my roommate, and at the same time to myself…. why am i letting everything slip away from me? I don’t even feel like i’m as smart as i once was… or maybe the overconfidence i felt in that regard has begun to slip away. Regardless… i think im in stuck in a life rut… i’ve lost confidence in almost every single aspect of my life, from my self image, to my intellectual/social confidence to my romantic integrity… just everything has slipped away….
It started with being unemployed, and then began to snowball from there.. i mean fuck, as i write this i remember how easily words used to come to me, like the only thing holding my back was my ability to transcribe my thoughts through my keyboard and onto the screen.
It’s killing me, it’s like that fucking job just completely dismantled every part of who I am as a person and tried to reconstruct it to some conformity that they’ve seen as being productive for their organization…. Like my writing, my ability to complete tasks independently were all de-constructed and reorganized to be something i hated… and then inevitably we hit such an empass with me holding on to everything that i held as being a personal strength, and them trying to build something else… that i had to leave… now, months later it still fucking plagues me…. i’ve lost almost every piece of who i am as a confident young man… to some fucking organization i’m no longer a part of… what the hell as happened to me? I used to be so full of beautiful ideas… so energetic and empassioned to do something more… and it’s like i’ve begun to lose all of that to cynicism… i’m no fucking cynic… my mother didn’t teach me to be optomistic just to lose touch with that aspect of my life when things begin to get rough….
… it’s just… what do i do now? Do i enter a job that i feel might be challenging to constantly feel like i’m inadequate again? To sit shaking at my desk from stress and nerves to the point i can’t keep track of a single fucking thought in my head? … What kind of life is that to lead… is that the type of life i have to look forward to now? Or is there something more that hides behind the next corner to find some new way to bring me to my unconfident knees to shake, feel sick and helpless….
… this isn’t who i am.
This isn’t who i’ve been made to be, i’m looking at every sickening aspect of my life and wanting to change it. I suppose thats something positive to look at. I hate, absolutely despise certain areas of my life, and my actions to the point i want to change… but they’re so engrained into who i am that i can barely function without doing them….
… I feel like i need to fucking escape… not this city, but this life. My life. Like i need some catastrophic reset button to help me come to terms with my life again…
But i can’t… that’s simply not realistic… and for that i need to take the reins of the life that i’ve been given, and do my best to change my circumstances…
I need to check my ego at the fucking door and re-establish what it is that i need in my life to make me happy…
Sorry, these thoughts are poorly constructed and seemingly rubbish.. i just needed to put something on paper.
…there i go again.
